Today is Sunday July 22nd; it has been exactly 6 months since Sharyl’s death, Sunday January 22nd. It seems like yesterday, it seems like a long time ago. I had never noticed and it is certainly insignificant but on leap year, January and July calendars are identical.
I think because of the 6-month anniversary, I have had an emotional and somewhat unusual week. I’m not talented enough to put that emotion into words even if I understood all of it; and I really think it is too personal to share.
During the latter stages of Sharyl’s illness, to pass some time on sleepless nights I would dwell on things I needed or wanted to do. Three recurring things were: lose some weight, get the yard back up to our specifications and enjoy some time at the lake. For about the first four months I really didn’t care how I looked or how the place looked and I didn’t have fun if I went to the lake.
Stress seems to affect the appetite to one extreme or the other; during the very early stages of our battle I lost 10 or 15 lbs. I then went the other way and started feed this stress thing; I gained the 15 back plus another 25 or so. I haven’t gained any the last 6 months but I haven’t lost any, meaning I am still 30 to 50 pounds overweight. There are many weight loss programs out there; the primary ingredient in all of them is willpower. I have gathered my willpower and made up my mind to lose some weight. My approach is to eat a little smarter and in moderation (no more Bluebell Homemade Vanilla as a bedtime snack) and get more exercise. The “hope for” goal is 40 to 50 pounds the “realistic” goal 25 to 30, I don’t have a timetable just as long as the trend is down.
Where I live is not an eyesore, I’m not in trouble with the Homeowners association, but it does need some attention. I have always been a procrastinator, in my personal and professional lives, Sharyl was the complete opposite, I overlooked her inability to put things off and she didn’t make a major issue of my procrastination. I guess that is some of the give and take stuff that makes a marriage work. I am now very anxious to get started catching up a three or four year backlog. The problem is I put things off until it got too dry to burn the stuff that has accumulated and the instructions with my chainsaw clearly state that it is not to be started if the temperature is above 80 degrees or maybe that’s just my rule. The yard is at the top of the priority list and weather is the holdup not procrastination.
I have not spent more than two consecutive nights at he lake but it is getting easier and I am ready to try and enjoy some time there.
I probably shouldn’t but I’m going to share some thoughts on this thing called emotion. Emotional pain, similar to physical pain comes in different forms and varying degrees of intensity; some of the physical stuff limits the ability to function, an ankle sprain or hamstring pull; if the pain is a chronic headache the body functions are still there it just hurts.
I will probably always have the deep and severe emotional pain caused by the two holes in my heart, one of them put there January 22nd the other March 2nd and yes I know there are two holes, not just one big one because there are two distinctly different types of pain. I kind of compare this to the headache; it isn’t really visible it just hurts.
The other emotional pain I have suffered is the external highly visible stuff, that is evident when I try to converse with people, the kind that cuts a lake trip short because of the memories, the kind that is responsible for a lot of the tear stains on this old keyboard, and the list goes on. I mentioned earlier it has been an unusual week. I think I may have crossed a threshold and put some of that type pain behind me, the past two days have been different than any I have previously experienced, I only hope it isn’t temporary.
If I weren’t an old hardheaded “do it yourselfer” some professional grief counseling might have gotten me to this point sooner, or maybe not. I have spent a lot of time with the master or divine or supreme counselor during these past six months, he is available 24/7 and you never need an appointment.
To Sharyl and Conner. Yes the pain has eased a bit, but I still love you guys with all my heart and I miss you every day.
Maybe I can start to write a little more about “what” I’m doing and a little less about “how” I’m doing.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Good Night and God Bless.